A new thought

    So tonight Ethan suggested something that had never occured to me. He suggested I try writing horror of some sort. I actually think that might be a good idea. Except I haven't written fiction since was oh....14? It was pretty terrible, too. But I suppose nearly all 14 year olds write terrible fiction. I have never been able to write well about anything... well, happy. The best writing I do is usually describing some terrible event and emotional impact. Or just something emotion neutral but descriptive. I think I might give it a shot.
  
    Horror is my favorite genre of fiction. I love in book form, games, movies, whatever I can get my hands on. I've read far too many SCP entries, watched a large amount of student films on youtube, read most all of Lovecraft. I should be clear about what kind of horror I like, because I can be kinda picky. I hate bloody gross out stuff, and there's nothing more disappointing than finding out the monster is actually human. I know blah blah humans like horror because they know humans are the worst of all whatever. It's boring as shit. Humans do awful things to each other all the time, I'd rather spend my time thinking about something that isn't real, that isn't predictable, that doesn't have motivations or mental disorders. That sort of movie (usually a movie) relies on making you physically uncomfortable. They show slow shots of weapons being pushed through flesh, eyeballs being extracted, etc. It's cheap and easy. I adore movies that make me emotionally or spiritually uncomfortable. Ghosts, when done right, make me want to crawl backwards though whatever I'm sitting in and cry. I want something unknowable and inhuman. Zombies and vampires have been done to death, but aliens can be fun, as can demons. (demon themed entertainment can slip into torture porn, so I have to be careful about that) I want something older than humanity itself, or something we all thought was a myth to be real. I want reality as we know it to be challenged.

   But still I haven't written in years. So I think I'll start by writing down dreams and memories. Just to practice descriptions. Then I might start elaborating on dreams, adding in memories, or tying multiple things all together. I'm not the sort of person who walks around constantly creating stories and characters and such, so I don't really know how this is gonna work. But what the hell, gives me something to do.
   

A thing that won't leave my head

    It seems fairly often I wind up with a thought that is somehow stuck in my brain. I figure writing it out might be a good way to get rid of it. So the thing that has been bothering me lately is that I have no idea how to respond when people ask how I am. You'd think after 26 years of interacting with humans I would have this figured out, but oh no. Every time I pause in confusion. I know I am supposed to just say "good" regardless of the truth, but I hate lying. Ha oops wait, that is a lie. (thus a double lie?) I work very very hard at keeping my lies as minimal as possible. I hate being caught lying when I don't want to be. Plus it's amusing to tell people the bald truth and watch them squirm. Which is also a cause of confusion when people ask me how I am, I first have to establish what I actually am, a thing I spend a lot of effort trying to not think about. Then I have to decide whether I need to lie, then I have to decide if I want to lie, and then I have to decide if I can just give them the simple approximate truth. I usually wind up stating a physical fact rather than emotion. (hungry, tired, needing coffee, etc) That way I neither lie nor say something that would complicate a casual interaction. (hung over, miserable, suppressing panic, wrestling with old trauma, obsessing over my own failures, etc)

   Oh good lord I do over think everything, don't I? I should really give up and just say "good".  It's not about how I actually am, it's just a social ritual. Right this minute if someone asked how I was I would most likely respond with a hearty "Fuck you, that's how I am." But that's only because I've been awake all night, and sleep deprivation makes me belligerent.