It seems fairly often I wind up with a thought that is somehow stuck in my brain. I figure writing it out might be a good way to get rid of it. So the thing that has been bothering me lately is that I have no idea how to respond when people ask how I am. You'd think after 26 years of interacting with humans I would have this figured out, but oh no. Every time I pause in confusion. I know I am supposed to just say "good" regardless of the truth, but I hate lying. Ha oops wait, that is a lie. (thus a double lie?) I work very very hard at keeping my lies as minimal as possible. I hate being caught lying when I don't want to be. Plus it's amusing to tell people the bald truth and watch them squirm. Which is also a cause of confusion when people ask me how I am, I first have to establish what I actually am, a thing I spend a lot of effort trying to not think about. Then I have to decide whether I need to lie, then I have to decide if I want to lie, and then I have to decide if I can just give them the simple approximate truth. I usually wind up stating a physical fact rather than emotion. (hungry, tired, needing coffee, etc) That way I neither lie nor say something that would complicate a casual interaction. (hung over, miserable, suppressing panic, wrestling with old trauma, obsessing over my own failures, etc)
Oh good lord I do over think everything, don't I? I should really give up and just say "good". It's not about how I actually am, it's just a social ritual. Right this minute if someone asked how I was I would most likely respond with a hearty "Fuck you, that's how I am." But that's only because I've been awake all night, and sleep deprivation makes me belligerent.
